Stop criticizing and do THIS instead

Baby Step 36 to Fall into Better Habits

PREFACE: Dale Carnegie wrote a ground-breaking book back in 1936 titled, How to Win Friends and Influence People. These easy-to-apply tactics were of benefit to millions of people on their journey to success. In fact, Warren Buffet credits many of his achievements to this small, yet powerful book. Not a bad role model, eh?

These principles are easy to understand. In practice, though, they’re a bit more challenging. You see, we fall into the habit of automatically responding to others without even pausing to think about what we’re saying. And, that’s what my Fall into Better Habits series is all about: dropping old habits that no longer serve us and tapping into the ones that do.

So, follow along with this 5-part mini-series which pairs perfectly with our recent studies on improving our relationships…especially the relationship we have with ourselves.

PART 1 OF 5 - The first C: Do not criticize.

When someone begins a conversation with “Don’t take this the wrong way” what do we do? We immediately take it the wrong way, before they even have a chance to finish their sentence. We’re instantly on the offense, and instead of listening to what they have to say, we’re formulating potential responses in our brains on a trajectory far from the present moment.

Criticism can sound like using a bullhorn to get the point across.

(#loud and clear) image courtesy of Unsplash

When Mr. Carnegie wrote, “Do not criticize” he meant this: do not nitpick, do not micromanage, do not insult someone’s performance. Instead, offer a suggestion or reiterate the instructions. I know this has happened to each and every one of us. But what happens when we’re the culprit? (#hard pill to swallow)

Mistakes can’t be avoided, criticism can.

We all want to feel that it’s safe to talk about how we feel, free from guilt or regret or negative backlash. We all want to feel comfortable in a conversation, whether we’re on the giving end or receiving end of it. We all want to be heard and understood.

If we want people to hear us loud and clear, then we have to become a little less loud and a lot more clear.

I can’t guarantee your future conversations will be met with enthusiasm, but I do know practice makes progress. So, if we want to be better humans, then we have to do the work of becoming better humans. So, today’s Baby Step is all about prevention, which we all know is the best “cure.”

Note: You’ll find no accusations here. I’ve been guilty of this, too. It’s just a habit. I’m simply sharing what I’ve learned over the years in the hopes that it will help you live an even better life, too.

STEP 1: Take a moment to write down your typical (automatic) “critical” responses to the people you converse with most.

Examples of habitual reactions:

• “Don’t do it that way.”

• “You know what would be better?”

• “Just let me do it!”

• “You’re doing it the wrong way.”

• “That’s not what I said.”

• “You don’t listen.”

STEP 2: Next, edit the statement based on Mr. Carnegie’s sage advice. Keep the rewrites where you can find them for quick reference.

Examples of gentler responses:

• “Don’t do it that way.”

“How about we try it this way?”

• “You know what would be better?”

“Are you open to a suggestion?”

• “Just let me do it!”

“Let me know if you’d like help.”

• "You're doing it the wrong way."

"Let's take a few deep breaths and try again."

• “That’s not what I said.”

“How about we review the directions?”

• “You don’t listen.”

“Would it be easier if I gave you a checklist? I know it helps me when I have something written down.”

Now, don’t these updated responses sound so much nicer? Less critical? More motivating? I’m sure your peeps will be very grateful for these subtle, yet transformational changes. Don’t expect to be thanked, though. (#LOL) Remember, we’re doing this to improve our lives, not to seek out acknowledgment.

Changing how we treat others also changes how we treat ourselves.

Why not begin right now? Practice being more patient, more encouraging, more understanding, more forgiving and more loving to yourself.

Because the more we practice what we say on a daily basis, the more prepared we’ll be to prevent regrettable outbursts the next time our day goes less than smoothly. And won’t that be something worth shouting about?

Next, go check your inbox for today's affirmation. Then watch the video HERE.

PS We began this series in September of 2023. You haven’t missed out! Find the tips and techniques used in this series, plus bonus material, in a downloadable format where you can track your progress. Find out more about it HERE.